Say Their Name

CW: murder, suicide, anti-trans violence, the death of a child

Last year, the pastor at my church had a slide show to honor Trans Day of Remembrance. I knew it was coming—it was in the program—and I figured it would be a gallery of notable trans people who had passed on. It was not that.

Instead of showing us Marsha P. Johnson and Sylvia Rivera, Pastor Drew showed us images of trans people who had been murdered or who had taken their own lives in the previous year. I made some kind of noise the first time a child’s face came on the screen. My BFF had already put her arm around me and in this moment, she squeezed me hard. It had been several months since my own son had been to the emergency room, but to say that the experience of taking a child to the emergency room because he had harmed himself or was in imminent danger of killing himself was still raw would be to suggest that it will ever not be.

The names and faces went on for a long time. At some point, I met the gaze of the other mother of a trans child in our congregation—which I had been trying to avoid in the hopes of kind of keeping my shit together—and then we got up and held each other and sobbed.

I’m remembering that day today.

When I first saw the image above, I assumed a couple of things: That this child took their own life, and that the cause of this child’s death was hate. I also decided that I did not want to know anything more about this story.

I am going to continue to spare myself the details. For instance, I will not be reading Nex Benedict’s final texts to their family. Now I know enough to know that I was correct in thinking that this child died because of their gender. I was wrong, though, about the physical cause of this baby’s death. When I learned the truth, I spent a few horrible moments wondering whether murder was better or worse than suicide before I realized that this was not the right question to be asking. The question to be asking is: How many dead trans kids is too may dead trans kids?

Because we, as a society, seemed to have decided that at least a few dead trans kids are an appropriate price to pay for… What, exactly? Maintaining a strict gender binary? Protecting women and girls from predators who exist only in the imagination? Making sure that female athletes don’t have to compete against “biological males”? What are we trying to accomplish with this sacrifice?

Here are some facts:

• Oklahoma is one of 11 states in which students must use the restroom that matches the gender they were assigned at birth. (source)
• 76% of gender nonconforming kids feel unsafe at school. (source)
• Gender nonconforming kids are 5 times more likely to be attacked or threatened at school than cisgender kids. (source)

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Here’s another fact: You can make a difference.

Take time to grieve if you need to. Then get active. Find local organizations that serve trans kids and offer your time and—if you can—your money. Give to The Trevor Project, the Southern Poverty Law Project, the ACLU, and other groups working to protect and expand LGBTQ+ rights. Get in touch with your state and federal representatives and tell them to protect trans youth. Support progressive candidates at the local, state, and federal level.

As a School Board member, I beg you to stay informed about what’s going on in your district and get engaged. If you don’t know how to get started, Red, Wine & Blue has some great resources. You can also just start showing up at School Board meetings. As a School Board member and a political organizer, I will tell you that the local level is where a just a handful of people can have a huge impact. My district is a mix of college town and small rural communities, and out-county voters tend to vote Republican. There’s a local chapter of Moms for Liberty, and we’ve endured our share of culture war freakouts. Nevertheless, we were able to pass a policy outlining the rights of trans students in our schools by a 6 - 1 vote.

If you have questions or suggestions or would just like to get a conversation started, please comment. My approach to becoming a crone is similar to my approach to working magic: If there’s not a justice component, you’re doing it wrong.

Edit: In an earlier version of this post, I said that Nex Benedict was a member of the Cherokee Nation. While Nex Benedict did live within the Cherokee reservation, the tribe has said that they were not a citizen of the tribe. I apologize for not verifying before passing along misinformation, and I especially regret any additional distress this may have caused Two Spirit people.