Ba An Accomplice: Pride Etiquette

Ba An Accomplice: Pride Etiquette
Lansing Pride 2018. WE ASKED PERMISSION BEFORE WE TOOK THE PHOTO IN THE CENTER.

Every year, around mid-September, I find myself getting cranky—by which I mean crankier than usual—and it usually takes me a beat to realize that I am warming up to be a full-on pain in the ass about “Breast Cancer Awareness” throughout October. I won’t bore you—right now, anyway—with my long list of grievances, but I guess I can sum up my position as: We are all aware of breast cancer and slapping pink ribbons on stuff isn’t helping anybody.

Why am I bitching about this in June? I am bitching about this in June because I am about to become a real pain in the ass about pride. More specifically: I am going to ask my straight brethren and sistren to level up from showing support for LGBTQ+ to being a co-conspirator. It’s a really fucking scary time to be queer. It’s also, by the way, a really fucking scary time to be the parent of a queer kid. We need for straight, cisgender people to show up and act out.

Don’t know where to begin. Let me help you! As we roll into Pride Month, I am here to offer you some simple and maybe not so simple tips for supporting the queers in your life, and I’m even breaking it up into Fun Size pieces for you. I’m going to skip the super basic stuff because if you’re reading this, I assume that you are already cool with the fact that LGBTQ+ people exist and should have fundamental rights. We begin with some Ps&Qs for heteros.


Pride Etiquette

IF YOU ARE HETERO, REMEMBER THAT PRIDE IS NOT ABOUT YOU. I think all the LGBTQ+ people in my life are delighted to see supportive family, friends, and neighbors at Pride events. But you are a guest, and you should act accordingly. The fundamentals of not being a dick at Pride are the same as not being a dick anywhere else, but there are a couple of guidelines that may not occur to you.

DO NOT TAKE PHOTOS OF ANYONE WITHOUT THEIR CONSENT AT PRIDE EVENTS. Please read that as many times as you need to. There are people at Pride who are not out to their families. There are people at Pride who are not out at work. There are people at Pride who don’t want to be the fabulous background for your selfie. Feel free to ask! I have yet to meet a drag queen who doesn’t want to be in a photo with my kid. But be prepared to take no for an answer and be gracious about it. And look, there will be exceptions: People who are in a parade and people who are on-stage probably don’t mind having their photo taken. But do not assume that anyone at Pride—no matter how extravagantly turned-out—sees themselves as a costumed character who should have to pose for a photo with your kid or whatever.

Speaking of kids: DO NOT EXPECT PRIDE EVENTS TO BE “FAMILY FRIENDLY.” I put “family friendly” in square quotes because what’s family friendly for me may not be what’s family friendly for thee. You have chosen to enter a rare public space in which queer people feel free to be themselves. If big, hairy old men in chaps make you uncomfortable, that’s a you problem, friend.[1]

It’s likely that there are Pride events in your community designed specifically for families with small children. If you don’t want to have to explain to your preschooler why that man is on a leash, stick to story time.

If you’ve made it this far, good for you! Your reward is this incredibly wholesome LGBTQ+ content.


  1. A few words about the big, hairy old men in chaps. When you see anyone over the age of 60 at Pride, there is a very good chance that this person lost friends, family, and lovers to AIDS. If Pride isn’t for these resilient elders, I don’t know who it’s for. ↩︎